I'm Not That Kind of Girl

So, here’s the truth. I am not the “I go to coffee shops and hang out and write kind of girl.” I don’t know of an apt description to substitute in that sentence either, but I know that I am not that. Yet, here I am sitting and doing just that. The funny thing is that it has become a conscious decision recently to do this. This is my second time recently making the effort to go and “just be” in a public place. In both instances, the decision has come after a couple of days of thinking in passing that I should go to the coffee shop, and in a split second decision, it suddenly becomes d-day and I can’t get there fast enough. The drive seems to be full of obstacles and not a straight shot, and I end up in each instance, also in the worst seat in the house.

But this is what I also know. My life has changed completely. With the exception of my mailing address, everything is different in my life than it was last year. I began this year with one word on my mind – advent. I loved this word for the year 2011 – because at its core, it’s meaning is beauty to me – hopeful for things to come. And in the great way that God does things, this word, which I prayed for, intersects with my life verse, “She is clothed with grace and dignity and she smiles at the future.” (Pr. 31:25) And so I am hopeful, I am in advent.

But if I am truthful, I am also afraid. In September, I laid my dog down. And while I miss her terribly, I find myself realizing that in a strange way, she had become my security blanket. No matter what life threw at me, she was there. And beyond the obvious mourning of her absence in my life, I feel fragile. The kind of fragile one feels if they leave their home and realize 20 minutes down the road that they forgot their cell phone fragile. And in that moment, you feel like you are missing out on the most important event in the world because you don’t have your cell phone at your finger tips and also realizing at any second, you could get in a terrible accident and the EMT’s won’t be able to look up you’re ICE contact because you don’t have your cell phone on you. And the weight of both, has you feeling all alone.

A friend of mine recently shared with me a nugget of truth that a kind stranger had shared with her. Change it up. Do it differently. You are the common denominator. If one thing isn’t working, change it up. And maybe that’s what my new obsession with writing at a Starbuck’s is all about. I could simply say, I don’t want to be at home right now with the memories. And, that would be true.

But deep down, I know it is more. I know that in the midst of fragile seasons, God shows you beauty far more imaginative than you could ever imagine for yourself. I know and cling to the fact that I am in a season of advent, so I am choosing to smile at the future. And sometimes, that choice happens from the corner table at Starbucks. Feel free to stop by and say hello.